Snowboarder’s Guide to Life Sample Page

This is a book about the strange mountain mutant of homo sapien known as "snowboarder" (singleplankus ripthehillicus ).

It's not a book about snowboarding, as in how to turn, stop, jump, or flip a perfect McTwist. I'm not going to tell you where to ride. On second thought, I will: start with a large hill, wait for it to snow, then stand on your board and descend. Got it? Right on.

I'm not interested in which plank you should pick. Suffice to say it should be slippery on the bottom, have clamps on top, and look rad on your car rack.

That's enough about those petty subjects. There are plenty of stale same-old, same-old magazines (some of which I write for) that fill small holes between large advertisements with these types of things.

I'm also not going to tell you why to ride. Mostly because I don't know. To tell you the truth, I haven't given it much thought - always figured it was just something one did. But then again I'm a snowboarder, and snowboarders don't think much. Instinct yes, intellect no.

That's not to say that being a snowboarder, living a total snowboarder's life, is easy. You don't just throw on a pair of baggies and start saying "bro" a lot. Whooooa no. There's a whole lot more to it than that.

The snowboarder has evolved (some would say devolved) a whole world - a language, a community, a mindset - around the simple act of riding a buttered stick down a slippery slope. Despite all its free-form glory, all it's Mountain Dew radness, the world of snowboaring has strict codes, rules, and mores that make it nearly impregnable for the uninitiated.

Being a snowboarder is a total thing. It's not a sport it's a cult. It's not an adventure, it's an acid trip. You wanna come along? You'd better know the secret knock, perform the cool-daddy handshake.

That's where this book comes in.

Part anthropological study, part field guide, you'll descipher the snowboarder's argot, visit a typical lair, discover migratory patterns, grooming habits, and learn the wild courtship and mating rituals of the snowboarder. I'll lay bare the secret myths of the snowboarder, explore the symbolism of the stick, ferret out the facts (but by no means be limited by them) of the snowboarder's formula. Most importantly, I'll give you the skinny on how to be phat.

But first, sharpen your No. 2 pencils.
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